I am a Scaredy Cat!

I have recently come to the conclusion that I'm scared. 

I'm going to say it again. My name is Susana Monteiro and I am a scaredy cat. 

Though I admit I'm scared about many things, I refuse to accept that they are all irrational fears. Imagine my life as a ring binder full of organised (ish) paperwork, that, I having decided changes needed to be made, then proceeded to rip out all the paper. The end result has meant it's taken a little while to re-organise my life. I now live a relatively normal life. In fact, I've never had such a normal working life. No more late nights, no more 10 hour shifts. It's great.

Another big change is coming. The studio that I've been so looking forward to furnishing will soon have a flatmate in it instead. Though it pains me to give up my currently non existing studio, it is for the better. I will no longer be relying on family to help me pay the rent, which will be a great relief. It will also be quite nice to have a flatmate around. It is someone that I have known for a long time and we have quite different working routines, so we won't be in each others' faces all the time. The downside... no more walking out of my bedroom naked and I now have to share with a boy. I may have to train him to lower the toilet seat!

Now that I have come to the conclusion that said friend isn't my "boyfriend", I have stopped freaking out by his moving in with me. The worst thing that can happen? He doesn't pay the rent? I know his entire family and where they live. We don't live well together? I ask him to leave. But realistically, the likelihood of any of this happening is very small. We have already agreed the date of his moving in party. Bring on the summer.

This week I realised that I've been using the fact that I don't have somewhere to work as an excuse to not work. At the beginning of January I told myself that I would spend a few months getting back into arty things, start taking photos and working on the negatives to expose my screens with in April, which is when I can afford to go to the print studio for the first time in many months... I'm scared and don't know where to start. I feel like I've bought a new sketchbook and feel intimidated by it's brilliantly white pages that are just waiting to be filled with creative ideas and images. 

How does one restart a creative process after an involuntary break of six months? The ideas and thoughts have been flowing freely for some time now need to be turned into actions, processes, and though I have started walking again I haven't produced any concrete ideas for prints. 

I have also realised that everyday I procrastinate and think to myself "tomorrow"... Tomorrow always seems to turn into weeks. Surely weeks turn into months and months into years. Is this how people loose sight of their dreams? Can one get so scared that instead of doing what we really want to do, we wrap ourselves up with the rest of our lives and put off the things that we really want to do for another day until we've forgotten what it was that we wanted to do in the first place? Is that how it happens? Is that where the bitterness comes from? Because 1, 5, 10 or even 20 years down the line you wake up and realise what it was that you really wanted to do and that you wish you'd had the courage to do so?

Is it really so easy to let things slip? I'm not sure what I'm most scared of right now... the fact that I feel so unsure of myself as an artist to get on with the work or loosing sight of the dream. That burning desire to make that keeps me awake at night. I don't want to let down the six year old that said she wanted to be an artist when all the other girls said they wanted to be teachers, nurses or lawyers. I don't want to be one of those people that hates their life and feels like they've wasted it away.

So I guess the only thing to do is to pull myself together. 

I will not be one of those people. I think therefore I am. I think, therefore I am an artist.

At least I will feel like one when I finally get round to my first day at the print studio. What's the best way to kick yourself up the arse? Book two sessions (after payday of course) at the studio. Lets put a deadline to producing some work. Because surely if I don't push myself no one else will!

My name is Susana Monteiro. I am an artist and yes, I am scared.