Busy Bee Results

                                                "Venetian Thunder Storm"
                                                Linocut A5 2011

Busy Bee

As promised, I went home on monday night to do some drawing for a screenprint. The image I was using has been taken by my sister on one of her projects in London that has involved walking. (The photo is below.) When I saw the picture I asked if I could use it for my work... She has agreed. I think a copy of the finished piece will be sufficient payment for use of her photo ejejeje I have worked out the layers and the colours for the print, all that is left now is to enlarge these drawings, but I haven't yet worked out what size the piece will be. Then I must make the positves. Only then will I be ready to go to the studio. Rather a long process.

I have to say, I got really wrapped up in what I was doing. I had forgotten how much I enjoy making my work. I felt a happiness that only comes from making my work. It's a similar feeling I get when I've been baking. It's a sort of satisfaction that I think ensures my survival. Dramatic I know, I don't expect everyone to empathise nor understand what I am trying to say. Basically, everything else in my life can be going really well. But when I'm making my artwork there is a sense of euphoria, a calmness and completeness.

And no I'm not crazy.
I'm an artist.

Where was I... oh yes. I got so wrapped up in the drawing, that once I'd finished those initial drawings I was hooked. I got the sketchbook that I took to Italy in 2009 as I've been waiting to make some work from those drawings since I got back! I took one drawing, which is of a thunderstorm over the lagoon in Venice. Even at the time I envisaged some sort of Lino cut. Whilst I tried to work out which areas I would need to cut from the lino, I got rather confused! Couldn't work out what would be black and what would be white once I'd used the paint. This through me into a bit of a panic. Shit I thought, I've left it too long without making work. This is never going to work! Thank God for Photoshop! There's something I would never think I'd say. I simply hate using photoshop, thought it is rather useful. Having scanned in my drawing of the parts I would be cutting out, I inverted the colours and as if by magic I saw what the finished product would look like. I rather liked what it might look like too! All was right with the world yet again.

Alas, twas time for bed but having been woken up at ridiculous o'clock the following day by the sun, I jumped out of bed at 8am. I felt inspired. Again. I decided to make good use of this as it doesn't happen very often. I went for a run. Didn't die. I was then bursting with entusiasim when I got home. So I cut out my lino and proceeded to make 10 editions of the print in my kitchen. I was rather pleased with myself when I arrived at work at mid day and told anyone who would listen how productive a morning I'd had!

It didn't finish there... renewed energy and enthusiasim led me to prepare the next lino, again, a drawing in Venice, looking across the lagoon at another, smaller island. At night of course. This was more intricate than the first. I was nervous as I've never been good at cutting lino intricately but I was patient and took my time. I was dubious as to whether it would work. Although it was gone 11pm and I was exhausted. I needed to know. There was no way I would ever be able to fall asleep without knowing. So I printed a few editions. Guess what... it worked and I rather like it! I have so much work to do now!

I was in bed, half asleep with the light on when my flatmate knocked on the door. He wanted to know what I'd been working on... he told me he loved it. He asked if it was Turkey. I told him it was venice. I couldn't have asked for a better way to end the day.

I've got a feeling...

Today I woke up feeling inspired. I felt like going out for a jog the moment I awoke... I should have made use of the unusual motivation but alas, I rolled over and snoozed instead. This feeling of inspiration continued when I finally did get out of bed. Today I cleaned my bathroom... it is now very shiny. I tidied my room, cleaned the kitchen and threw some stuff out. I felt ever so slightly manically enthusiastic and happy.

Which makes a change.

I take this to be a good thing and hope that the feeling is going to stick around for a while. It would definitely be useful in terms of getting things done!

Once I had showered in my gleaming bathroom I was trying to decide what to do with the spare couple of hours till I met my mother for dinner. I felt oddly inclined to take photos. But I did not know what of or where. Which struck me as odd, as I am neither traveling nor was it night time, which is when you would usually find me with my camera in tow. I then decided that what I wanted, was a newspaper and cup of cwafeee.

I bought my newspaper and headed to the cwafeee shop, the whole time, unable to shake this feeling. The thing that has been so baffling to me, isn't that I've been feeling particularly inspired but the fact that I just feel inspired. I'm not inspired to to do a particular thing. I've just been walking around all day with this feeling. Not quite knowing how to put it to use. Though I have decided that tomorrow I shall be up at 8am (I am doing the 12pm shift) to start making the drawings for my next screen print, which is very exciting!

I was quite enjoying the cwafee and the newspaper and the occasional watching the world go by until I realised that this year, just hasn't been a good year for humanity. There has been so much human loss and suffering in the past 3 months, in addition to the already existing human suffering, that half into my newspaper I just felt broken hearted.

Reading the newspaper and watching the news breaks my heart and has been known to reduce me to tears. My sister says that I shouldn't bother doing either if it's just going to depress me, but that if I insist I need to make sure I don't get romantically embroiled.

I have never thought of myself as particularly political but in comparison to most of my peers it would appear that I am. I have been on anti war marches and demos but then so have many people. But this year's north African revolutions, the Arabian rioting and the hunger for political reform has moved me. I find the photo journalism astounding at the moment. To be so embroiled in those moments. Some of the moments captured are just amazing. Slightly crazy and incredibly brave. I have had a brainwave. I want to take photos like that too. I want to go to a country that is either war torn or currently in the middle of an uprising/political revolution. I want to be somewhere that the people are fighting for what they believe in. I want to document it and capture the effects of those desires.

I announced my desire at dinner to my mother and sister. Surprisingly, my mother did not beg me not to have such crazy ideas. My sister whom is ever supportive, told me to go for it.

Now to find the means and the balls to do so.

Would anyone like to finance me?

I am a Scaredy Cat!

I have recently come to the conclusion that I'm scared. 

I'm going to say it again. My name is Susana Monteiro and I am a scaredy cat. 

Though I admit I'm scared about many things, I refuse to accept that they are all irrational fears. Imagine my life as a ring binder full of organised (ish) paperwork, that, I having decided changes needed to be made, then proceeded to rip out all the paper. The end result has meant it's taken a little while to re-organise my life. I now live a relatively normal life. In fact, I've never had such a normal working life. No more late nights, no more 10 hour shifts. It's great.

Another big change is coming. The studio that I've been so looking forward to furnishing will soon have a flatmate in it instead. Though it pains me to give up my currently non existing studio, it is for the better. I will no longer be relying on family to help me pay the rent, which will be a great relief. It will also be quite nice to have a flatmate around. It is someone that I have known for a long time and we have quite different working routines, so we won't be in each others' faces all the time. The downside... no more walking out of my bedroom naked and I now have to share with a boy. I may have to train him to lower the toilet seat!

Now that I have come to the conclusion that said friend isn't my "boyfriend", I have stopped freaking out by his moving in with me. The worst thing that can happen? He doesn't pay the rent? I know his entire family and where they live. We don't live well together? I ask him to leave. But realistically, the likelihood of any of this happening is very small. We have already agreed the date of his moving in party. Bring on the summer.

This week I realised that I've been using the fact that I don't have somewhere to work as an excuse to not work. At the beginning of January I told myself that I would spend a few months getting back into arty things, start taking photos and working on the negatives to expose my screens with in April, which is when I can afford to go to the print studio for the first time in many months... I'm scared and don't know where to start. I feel like I've bought a new sketchbook and feel intimidated by it's brilliantly white pages that are just waiting to be filled with creative ideas and images. 

How does one restart a creative process after an involuntary break of six months? The ideas and thoughts have been flowing freely for some time now need to be turned into actions, processes, and though I have started walking again I haven't produced any concrete ideas for prints. 

I have also realised that everyday I procrastinate and think to myself "tomorrow"... Tomorrow always seems to turn into weeks. Surely weeks turn into months and months into years. Is this how people loose sight of their dreams? Can one get so scared that instead of doing what we really want to do, we wrap ourselves up with the rest of our lives and put off the things that we really want to do for another day until we've forgotten what it was that we wanted to do in the first place? Is that how it happens? Is that where the bitterness comes from? Because 1, 5, 10 or even 20 years down the line you wake up and realise what it was that you really wanted to do and that you wish you'd had the courage to do so?

Is it really so easy to let things slip? I'm not sure what I'm most scared of right now... the fact that I feel so unsure of myself as an artist to get on with the work or loosing sight of the dream. That burning desire to make that keeps me awake at night. I don't want to let down the six year old that said she wanted to be an artist when all the other girls said they wanted to be teachers, nurses or lawyers. I don't want to be one of those people that hates their life and feels like they've wasted it away.

So I guess the only thing to do is to pull myself together. 

I will not be one of those people. I think therefore I am. I think, therefore I am an artist.

At least I will feel like one when I finally get round to my first day at the print studio. What's the best way to kick yourself up the arse? Book two sessions (after payday of course) at the studio. Lets put a deadline to producing some work. Because surely if I don't push myself no one else will!

My name is Susana Monteiro. I am an artist and yes, I am scared.

Bude, Cornwall

Polesworth House, London

                                                             Linocut, A5

"The Hit."

It's sunday night and I'm absolutely exhausted! 

By 11am on saturday my house had become over run with many a film person and so much equipment that it was being put on the balcony. There just was no room for 15 crew members, lighting equipment, cameras, lenses, my hamster and all the rest of my belongings.

My flat was the perfect set for a short film directed and written by my brother in law, Davor Krvavac. In his words;  “The Hit” explores the universal capacity of survivors and perpetrators of extreme violence to accommodate their experience; to return to mundane, ordinary life, despite carrying the knowledge of what for most would be unimaginable horror.

I feel slightly perturbed by the fact that my flat is the perfect home for his character. Should I be concerned with the fact that my now highly unfurnished flat can be turned into a desolate and bleak home for someone who has committed, what to me is unimaginable? Perhaps I'm being oversensitive? 

So, people start arriving, introductions are made. I'm swiftly introduced as Su, the art director... oh and I live here. Smile. I'm not sure how to deal with the responsibility of this title... what exactly is expected of me? I was overwhelmed by all the people, how quickly things were made to happen and the efficiency of these highly skilled and talented people. I was in way over my head and felt incredibly awkward at first. Especially as Liam the Ist A.D. was demanding and made me quiver. Every time I heard my name being called sharply I was reminded of how my mother would call me when I was in trouble as a child. I quickly realised that this was just his manner... and I could also see how efficient this made him. We did not have much time and he made things happen. So much so that the shoot was projected to finish at 4am and the flat had been rearranged and vacated by 2.30.

Now that I have recovered somewhat from the weekend's events, I now feel like I have been part of something really cool. I wish that I could have been more involved, but one really can't compain. I think I would have enjoyed being the costume department too. How amazing would it be to get invovled with more shoots? Sod it to be a runner though... I think I made more than my fair share of tea and coffee, not to mention the clearing up during and after... Just imagine 15 people in a small two bedroom flat... now think about 14 men all using the same toilet over a 16 hour period. Nice.

My role on the shoot was minimal, exluding the provision of the set of course, but I must say, the opportunity to watch these people work was incredible. The skills that they possess, made me feel inadequate, I had no idea what they were talking about half the time, the only conversation I could follow was about football between scenes! Just about. It was however an opportunity to meet new people, creative people, there were many question as to what I do, about my art work and my flat.

When I was dressing the stairs for filming, one of the directors asked if there was a way we could suggest an air of violence... A print that my sister and I worked on in the summer was ripped and attached to the wall in an askew manner to suggest that some force had been used. How exciting is that? Our artwork has actually made it into the film!